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The Journey Back to Yourself: Step Back, Listen, Understand
Most of us know the moment. A tense meeting, an argument at home, a headline that makes the chest tighten. Something pushes, and we push back. Within seconds we are inside the situation, sure that we are right and that the other person is the problem. This page describes a simple alternative, and the order in which it unfolds. It is the heart of Restful Awareness, and it fits on one small map, which you will find at the end.
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The birthright we forgot
Look at a newborn: awake, quiet, with no story yet. That presence was never earned, and it has never left. In the busyness of grown-up life we cover it, like dust on a mirror, and we forget that we have it. Restful Awareness does not teach you to become someone calmer. It reminds you of what you have had since the day you were born, and have not lost on the way to old age.
The map on one page
Remember your birthright → Step back → Open → Understand → Dialogue → Empathy → Common ground
- Step back. Disengage from whatever pulls at you, inside and outside.
- Open. The mind clears. You can perceive and listen.
- Understand. The other person, and your own feeling, thought and resistance.
- Dialogue. Outwardly with people, inwardly with yourself.
- Empathy. Mutual understanding grows, and empathy appears.
- Common ground. A solution that benefits everyone, including your own heart and mind.
Whenever life pulls you in again, start from the beginning: one step back.
Why the problem is never only the topic
Take two people who disagree, about money, a decision at work, politics, or how a society should be. The topic seems to be the problem. Look closer: both want to be right. That wanting is the ego, and it lives on both sides. The real barrier is not the subject they disagree about but the inner barrier between them. We cannot solve all the disagreements of the world. What each of us can do is dissolve our own inner barrier, one step at a time, and from there a dialogue becomes possible.
A one-minute practice
- Pause and step back. Breathe out slowly, longer than you breathe in. Let your shoulders drop.
- Look back at the one who is aware of the situation, the feeling and the thought. Notice that this one is calm, even when everything else is not.
- Rest there for a moment and listen: first to yourself, then to the other person. Answer only after that.
Read the full essay
The full essay, with the reasoning, examples from daily life and the map, is on the Restful Awareness website: The journey back to yourself: step back, listen, understand.
Questions people ask
How do I stop reacting in an argument?
Take one step back before you answer: one slow breath out, shoulders down, and recognise the one who is aware of the argument. From there you can listen first and answer afterwards.
Is stepping back the same as giving in?
No. You are not agreeing and you are not losing. You are making it possible to hear the other person, and to be heard.
What is Restful Awareness?
Restful Awareness is a way of returning to the awareness we are born with and resting in it. The Restful Awareness app guides you step by step, with a 30-day free trial.
More guides
Read more: the three views explained · Kabat-Zinn and Restful Awareness · what is mindfulness.